Let the Storm Rage On

I had the worst, most hopeless and depressing feeling today when I was sitting in my car before work. I was in the parking ramp, and it hit me so hard how unfulfilled my life is right now. I am completely unhappy in my job, not to mention constantly poor. And, I am completely without a prospect of a relationship. I dread the weekends because I’ll be lonely and I won’t even talk to anyone.

It made me miss the attention of Nita. For a few weeks it was nice to be on someone’s mind, and to hear an attractive woman say really nice things to me. But she has friends here and an active social life, so it’s doubtful I’m on her mind anymore. I was tempted to text her.

That feeling in my car this morning was so scary and almost paralyzing. I couldn’t believe that my life turned out this way. I have no one to share my life with and that’s the thing I need most right now. I felt so scared this morning in my car because it felt like it has no chance of changing. I am tired of these really dark days – they’re getting scary. The one this morning felt like suicide.

But then I was watching Jimmy Fallon clips on YouTube and came across the one below. I never even liked the song before, but I love this rendition. Here I stand and here I’ll stay. Let the storm rage on…the cold never bothered me anyway, bitches.




The Black Cloud

At night is when I think about killing myself…brief thoughts. I think about my life now, and the times my mom hit me when I was little. Fierce hitting that comes from being mad about something else. I want to escape all that shit and die so that those fuckin’ thoughts die too. No more self-disappointment. Death cures.

Not being loved by someone and failing your potential makes you think like this. I’m going to buy some new work clothes tomorrow. Maybe it’ll make me feel better. The cardio is working. The skin underneath my chin is tighter. See, for a minute there, I didn’t think about being better off dead.