All damn day today, I sat in that chair in my bedroom and read and drank half a pot of cheap Target brand coffee while Whiskeytown radio played on Spotify. I took a break twice to masturbate and then I crept onto Krissy’s Facebook page. She’s currently on a ski trip in Colorado with husband and two kids. I could never afford to have given her the kids or the ski trip, so I read in my Goodwill chair while she wintered in Colorado. And I didn’t speak to anyone today. Last week was days of sadness filling my head, not specific sad thoughts, just a fog of sadness between my ears without any explanation. I don’t know what is worse: the sadness in my head or depression, which is the absence of any feeling at all, even sadness. In my worst episodes of depression I wished for some sense of feeling, even sadness, but it was just indifference to any and all things.
That chair was for so long un-used in my apartment. It was a catch-all for my unopened mail and girls would put their coats on it, which I liked because it left the chair smelling like perfume. I had sex on it once years ago, but I decided to take advantage of the natural light in my bedroom so I moved it. I think I’ll get drunk in it next weekend.
Ever feel so alone? So deathly alone that it scares you. You see ex after ex getting married and you’re sitting by yourself on your patio with a cheap bottle of beer and The Shins playing on Spotify in the background to make the moment even sadder. Then Deathcab for Cutie comes on to drive the final stake into the sadness coffin.
You have busy days with work and stuff, but no one to come home to and tell your day to. And it takes time to get there even if you do meet someone…awkward dates and meeting parents to endure.
A gloom wave rushed ashore tonight because I found out that Meaghan is getting married next month. An ex…in my hall of fame of exes because we remained friends for years after we broke up. I don’t think I ever meant that much to her but she meant a lot to me, and I guess I was okay with that.
For all the fucking around i do…Jessica came over last weekend to give me two handjobs because she likes to do that, I guess. But Meaghan is getting married. I know Kilby went through this with Amanda and Cheney did with her ex. I’ve joined their club now. But Kilby eventually met someone and I never hear from him anymore. Cheney took drugs and forgot about it.
The only solace I found is that Meaghan’s arms looked fat in her engagement picture that I saw tonight. Pathetic of me.
Just got home from home…where I grew up. Got to see my core group of friends from high school, was weird but fun. It put things into perspective for me. Seeing all the people I went to high school with with their families and full-on adulthood. Made me feel pathetic for being so broke and insecure over a failed relationship.
I need to like myself more. I need to really believe that I deserve good things. That I deserve to be loved by someone. I was so surprised when girls think about me – I should expect that.
I drove around my hometown. Past my old house and neighborhood. Went to the Northern tennis courts where I spent all my summers. I deserve love and happiness. I will have all those things. I deserve someone better. I will succeed. I need to live life more.