nicole aniston

Loose Change

The Coin Star change machine was hella noisy at the grocery store today. But rent had to come out of last Friday’s paycheck, and after some other bills I was down to less than $7.00 in my account today. The plastic teddy bear above, which formally housed animal crackers, had been my coin receptacle for about the past two years. I poured all of it in the Coin Star and it was a little over $140.00. The grocery store customer service took its cut and gave me just over $120.00 in cash. It was immediate relief and a temporary reprieve to my financial stress and worry. It’s some groceries this week and a little gas for the car. Maybe a badly needed haircut too, but I doubt it.

Walking out of the grocery store, high on my petty windfall, I briefly thought of Amanda and the few other girls who wanted to spend their lives with me. Then I came home and masturbated to some Nicole Aniston porn.


A big-ass burrito

It’s the beginning of the month, so I can afford things – things like a full tank of gas, Chipotle, a couple of movie rentals from iTunes, groceries. It won’t last long, though. I ate a big-ass burrito and a half-pint of ice cream today, but I feel good even though I only slept for a couple hours last night. But I am tired and my stomach is full.

If Carrie at work was single, I’d probably ask her out and end-up banging her. She has athletic legs and bouncy boobs. She’s at least someone to talk to these days.

I picked up some Nyquil today, and I’m going to drink some and get a badly needed eight hours tonight. I am so tired that I probably won’t even masturbate to Nicole Aniston tonight.

I said I “probably” won’t…

hottest babe ever

Nicole Aniston


It’s that time of the year, folks. Time to honor the women who have spent the past year, unbeknownst to them, providing me with all the pleasure that one hand can provide one solitary, punch-drunk man. And when I am having sex with a less desirable woman, which is most, if not all of the time, it’s good to know that these women are permanently etched in my brain to get me to where I need to go.

So, joining 2014 SBHOF Inductees:

Ana Ivanovic

Ana Ivanovic

Ashley Wagner

Ashley Wagner

Aristea Brady

Aristea Brady

Nicole Aniston

Nicole Aniston

Please join me in welcoming this years SBHOF Class of 2015:

ZUSKA LIGHT – Online Fitness Sensation


Check out her YouTube channel to see this sexy fitness specimen in action. It’s not only her amazing body, it’s her thick Eastern European accent and sweaty Lululemon that has her rumored to be the next Bond Girl. Her workouts get results too. My right wrist and forearm have never been stronger since I started following her on YouTube and Instagram.



The Fox News lineup is so deep with female talent, so to standout and get the call to the Spank Bank Hall is a genuine accomplishment. Megyn had two kids and got even hotter, and her whiskey-kitten voice is just the sort of sultry sound I need to hear when I’m pitchin’ a tent in prime time.


I discovered this early AM bombshell after staying up all night drinking, and her body hugging outfits are a reason to wake up early to take care of morning wood.

So, thank you ladies. Men (and a lot of women too) are raising their one free hand in salute.

Spank Bank Hall of Fame Class of 2014

It’s that time of year, folks. It’s time for the annual inductions into Parker’s Spank Bank Hall of Fame (SBHOF). There were a lot of worthy nominees this year, but only a handful (pun intended) of ladies get the coveted call to the Spank Bank Hall every year.

So without further delay, joining current members Julia Ann and Nicole Aniston in the SBHOF, I present the induction class of 2014.

Tennis star, Ana Ivanovic

Upon hearing the news, Ana released the following statement, “Growing up in war-torn Serbia, I never thought I would rise to the level of Parker’s SBHOF. It was a goal that I started to aim for a couple of years ago, and to achieve that now is truly an honor. And I would like to thank Adidas for making the tights that likely secured my induction into Parker’s SBHOF.”

WCCO reporter, Aristea Brady


Brady                                                                 Aniston

An elated Aristea had this to say, “I know that my uncanny resemblance to [Nicole] Aniston had a lot to do with this tremendous honor. However, I hope to carve out my own identity through more form fitting skirts and sleeveless tops. Being the sole non-athlete inductee this year, I don’t have the advantage of being seen in revealing clothing with a glow of perspiration, and that just makes this achievement all the more special.”

U.S.A. figure skater, Ashley Wagner

Ashley phoned in from Soshi with the following comment, “My agent told me I was up for Parker’s SBHOF, but I didn’t want to get my hopes up, ya know? But I chose my Sochi practice outfits with the hope that Parker would notice and thankfully he did. Being the youngest ever SBHOF inductee is an honor not lost on me. I have many more years on the ice and hope to provide Parker with just as many years of self-pleasure.”


Rub it Out

It’s funny how I actually miss working at Wells Fargo now. I miss being a part of an office environment and the quietness of the second shift. But I remember the shitty feeling I would get every single day as I would approach the main entrance. That painful feeling of knowing that  I was under-achieving in my life. Knowing that I could and should be doing better by myself. It’s just the work that I miss now, that’s all.

Victoria (landlord) came over today to change the air filter in the furnace. I had to quickly wake up, clean a little and hide the cum rag and Febreeze the place to get rid of my fart smell. We had a nice chat, and I lied about working from home so she hopefully won’t think I’m some unemployed loser. She’s thin and attractive in a way that her personality would make her seem cooler.

I drank two Miller tall boys last night and felt kind of shitty this morning. And looking at Victoria’s thin hips and flat stomach made me rub one out as soon as she left with a little help from Nicole Aniston.

(click for perfection)