I don’t feel like much of a writer and I haven’t in a long time. I don’t feel like much of anything to anyone either. I am much better these days at choosing my thoughts – recognizing the harmful ones and throwing them away before they take root, like a weed in concrete. I’ve been living on a credit card and a lot of fucking prayer lately. I put the last of my checking account in my gas tank, and now I’m running up my credit card balance ’til pay day. The real toll of all this is that it makes me feel so exhausted and worn down. To live a struggle like this all alone and have no one along for the ride. The driver seat of my car is worn, but the passenger seat is pristine. Being happy and exhausted would not be that bad, I imagine. Being exhausted and in love would not be that bad, I imagine.

I am thankful for what I do have, but I’ll be hungry at work tomorrow. I’ll smell other peoples’ lunches and see their carry-out sandwiches. They will seem like wealthy people to me just because of that. Yesterday, I crept around the office in my dirty pants hoping for some treats or sweets in the break room. There were none.


Not Starving

Somehow, someway, I have a little over $100.00 more in my checking account than I thought I had, with no pending transactions or checks. I am tempted to take a trip to Half-Price books to buy a book or a journal or something…some tiny luxury to lift my spirits a little. But on the other fuckin’ hand, I have a utility bill that is starting to rival my credit card balance, so I should save it for that.

Being perpetually low on money has taught me that I don’t have to eat every time I feel hungry. I can drink water or brew some of my cheap, unfair trade coffee to curb my appetite. But I don’t have to eat every time I feel hungry. There are worse things that I’ve been through…far worse things than feeling hungry. I have coffee, oatmeal and eggs and that’s fine for now. Fuck eating.

I want to look back on this part of my life and think…know that it was all worth it. That it was all leading to somewhere great for me. It doesn’t make any sense to me now, but I hope it will some fuckin’ day. God must be putting me through this for some reason.