A depressed night. A sad and depressed night. God, if you were ever planning on making yourself known to me, please do it now. Take this heaviness and hopelessness away from me. I have been carrying this for way too long and I can’t do it anymore. You are supposed to hear my prayers. Please don’t make me think that all those years of attending Mass were pointless.
It was hard to hold back tears tonight. What’s the point of my life? I have been struggling with my belief in you lately – you haven’t been making it easy to believe in you. Please. Can you help me now? I am almost ready to give up on you. I have no desire to attend Mass anymore. No strength left to pray. I am afraid to use the gas money to drive to Mass.
I am just plain depressed, God. I have nothing left anymore. Please stop testing me like this. Please. Stop. I deserve better. I am always worried about money and everything is so far out of reach for me. One happy day. Just 24-hours of happiness would be a good start for me. I am empty inside, and it hurts me to think that a loving God would put me through all of this.
So I am begging you, God. Please help me. Take this depression from me. I still believe that you are stronger than my depression. I am not stronger than it. Please make tomorrow better. I don’t want to be sad and hopeless tomorrow. Give me a 24-hour break from it. I have no strength to ask or believe in big things now. Just 24-hours of not feeling miserable about my existence. You better act fast before you lose another one.
A warm night. A busy week and I need to make some money. I got way fucked-up on Friday and was useless all of Saturday. I want so much to connect with Melissa, but it’s like there is some barrier between us that we’re both too shy to cross. We come close when we’re drunk but that’s it.
I don’t know why I look so forward to getting drunk. I feel like shit the next day and I always regret at least one thing. Jennifer is obviously blowing me off. She was supposed to call me today but didn’t – the second time she’s done that. Whatever. I don’t care even though she supposedly has feelings for me. I just miss the sex, but nothing else.
Earlier today I sat in my bedroom closet and played guitar while listening to a podcast about depression. I sent Jessica a text last night because I know she can get me some LSD, but she hasn’t replied yet. I want to try micro-dosing with her. Our friendship is comfortable enough that we can make out naked and then pee in front of each other.
I have to get some sleep tonight. One year ago sucked. Heartbreak and longing. Just longing for someone new now.
All damn day today, I sat in that chair in my bedroom and read and drank half a pot of cheap Target brand coffee while Whiskeytown radio played on Spotify. I took a break twice to masturbate and then I crept onto Krissy’s Facebook page. She’s currently on a ski trip in Colorado with husband and two kids. I could never afford to have given her the kids or the ski trip, so I read in my Goodwill chair while she wintered in Colorado. And I didn’t speak to anyone today. Last week was days of sadness filling my head, not specific sad thoughts, just a fog of sadness between my ears without any explanation. I don’t know what is worse: the sadness in my head or depression, which is the absence of any feeling at all, even sadness. In my worst episodes of depression I wished for some sense of feeling, even sadness, but it was just indifference to any and all things.
That chair was for so long un-used in my apartment. It was a catch-all for my unopened mail and girls would put their coats on it, which I liked because it left the chair smelling like perfume. I had sex on it once years ago, but I decided to take advantage of the natural light in my bedroom so I moved it. I think I’ll get drunk in it next weekend.
Some co-workers passed on happy hour last Thursday, saying they were tired and they probably were. I needed some drinks more than anything at that moment, but I passed because three beers honestly meant I wouldn’t have money for lunch the next day. And driving home Friday, I hesitated . . . dreaded even, returning to the solitude and do-nothing-all day of my life for an entire weekend. I don’t even like the way I write sometimes, especially as of late. It’s un-directed and self-doubting, mirroring the thoughts in my head.
The winter wind-chills and skies the color of ash has me fearing depression again. Looking down into that pit with my feet hanging ten over the loose dirt edge. All the experience of having been down there before and all the knowledge of never wanting to return.
So fuckin’ sad, depressed and powerless. I had only about five bucks in my account, which had to last me until payday on August 1. Cheney floated me $200.00, though…it sucked to accept it but I had to eat. I was skipping lunch at work. I had a dollar on Friday, which paid for the vending machine Sun Chips.
I haven’t even been getting enjoyment from the gym lately. I can’t lose enjoyment in the only things that get me through these depression days…daze. I need to hold onto those things. I need fuckin’ something, anything to cling to. Me and Katie went to Barnes and Noble today. I spent about twelve bucks on the journals above. Cheney said an hour of writing every day always helps her. I guess it’s like what masturbation does for me, maybe.
After Barnes and Noble we came back here and Katie fucked me on the living room area rug. It’s hard to be present…in the moment during depression…even during sex. Your thoughts are always floating elsewhere in the corners of your brain, but they’re rarely focused on what is right in front of you. She was grinding on top of me and I could only think about how the rug underneath me was scratching and burning my shoulders.
Katie is in the bathroom now re-doing her makeup, and the rug burns on the back of my shoulders are fresh and bright red. We’re going to walk down to Lola on Xerxes to get drunk on house wine.
she cuts my hair
I want a live-in girlfriend. I want to be lying in bed and hear her in the kitchen making noise. I want to hear her laughing in the bathroom when she’s putting on her makeup. I want a good night’s sleep.
I dreamed last night that Kelley (she cuts my hair) was an escort and I was her client. She was naked, standing up and putting on her wrist watch after we had just had sex. I was pretty disappointed when I woke up because it wasn’t true.
The depression hasn’t been too bad lately. It was here a little tonight. I really miss the excitement of getting ready for a date on the weekend. But at times I really feel like I’m having a nervous breakdown. I’m not fucking sleeping, and the financial stress of my life is fucking really wearing on me. My damn paychecks do a quick disappearing act from bills. I’d like to have some disposable income again. I’m having a nervous breakdown.
I had the worst, most hopeless and depressing feeling today when I was sitting in my car before work. I was in the parking ramp, and it hit me so hard how unfulfilled my life is right now. I am completely unhappy in my job, not to mention constantly poor. And, I am completely without a prospect of a relationship. I dread the weekends because I’ll be lonely and I won’t even talk to anyone.
It made me miss the attention of Nita. For a few weeks it was nice to be on someone’s mind, and to hear an attractive woman say really nice things to me. But she has friends here and an active social life, so it’s doubtful I’m on her mind anymore. I was tempted to text her.
That feeling in my car this morning was so scary and almost paralyzing. I couldn’t believe that my life turned out this way. I have no one to share my life with and that’s the thing I need most right now. I felt so scared this morning in my car because it felt like it has no chance of changing. I am tired of these really dark days – they’re getting scary. The one this morning felt like suicide.
But then I was watching Jimmy Fallon clips on YouTube and came across the one below. I never even liked the song before, but I love this rendition. Here I stand and here I’ll stay. Let the storm rage on…the cold never bothered me anyway, bitches.
I woke up with a head cold. Alcohol weakens my immune system. Had a good workout today, though. Tawnel called today – WTF? Take the hint. I almost considered going over there tonight just to fuck her, but screw it.
A boring day and my checking account is -$46.00. I wanted to stay in anyway. I have enough food for a couple of days at least. If it’s nice tomorrow, I’ll go for a run around Lake of the Isles. I can’t believe how hammered I got this past weekend. Total blackout like the old days. Won’t be doing that for awhile. I forget how depressed hangovers make me feel.
I would love to be in my very own home – a house. I can’t face the prospect of another winter being this poor. I can’t live like this anymore. I feel defeated. Something will change. This routine of boredom, loneliness and being poor has got to end. I want my life to feel important!! I don’t respect myself.
I sometimes really think that I’ll be alone forever. No one will ever want to marry me. I have to get my life together. I don’t own things like my friends do. I am scared to death that I never will. I hate waking up every day and it has to get better. Would love to be sitting in my own house now. That seems so far away, though. God I feel sad now. Scared. What if I never find someone? I don’t even have that crush on Melissa anymore. Makes it lonelier when you don’t even know who you want. It takes all the fight I have in me to stay somewhat positive every day. Daily affirmations.
Loneliness, poverty – if Krissy saw me now I would be so fuckin’ ashamed. She probably wouldn’t even take my call. I don’t want her to be my only true relationship. So many sad things on my mind lately. That little boy I saw at Rainbow a long time ago who looked like my nephew. I hope he’s loved and cared for.
I’ll sleep now and hopefully not feel this depressed when I wake up.
Didn’t do anything stupid last night when I was hammered. Didn’t black out either. Two firsts for me. So I was only mildly depressed today with my hangover. Depressed about being alone all the time. Depressed about wanting someone I can’t have. Depressed about being poor. I need to start making some money…find a real job. A job with benefits.
There just doesn’t seem like there’s anyone to meet out there. Nobody that affects me – well there’s one person but I can’t get her. I want this week to fly by and be productive. When am I going to meet someone?
I don’t want to meet someone in a bar. I never thought I would be alone like this – this long.