Some co-workers passed on happy hour last Thursday, saying they were tired and they probably were. I needed some drinks more than anything at that moment, but I passed because three beers honestly meant I wouldn’t have money for lunch the next day. And driving home Friday, I hesitated . . . dreaded even, returning to the solitude and do-nothing-all day of my life for an entire weekend. I don’t even like the way I write sometimes, especially as of late. It’s un-directed and self-doubting, mirroring the thoughts in my head.
The winter wind-chills and skies the color of ash has me fearing depression again. Looking down into that pit with my feet hanging ten over the loose dirt edge. All the experience of having been down there before and all the knowledge of never wanting to return.
Money and groceries are scarce again ’til next Friday. What used to be called struggling is now called intermittent fasting, I guess. Either way, I’ve dropped six pounds in the past month from involuntarily skipping lunches, microwave popcorn dinners and black tea to stop the hunger pains and cravings.
Today at work, the boss bought in fresh donuts for the break room. The office decorum is to take one. I waited ’til it was clear, walked in and snatched two and rushed back to my cubicle, the bounty hidden in two napkins. I hurriedly shoved them in my mouth not even caring that the glaze was making my fingers sticky. I immediately returned to the break room under the guise of getting a cup of the cheap, bitter (but free) coffee. I poured the black sludge into a styrofoam cup, thinking of the Saving Private Ryan scene when Tom Hanks watches the officer pour coffee into a tin cup after the allies have secured Normandy. I grabbed my third donut.
Walking back to my cubicle, a lady I rarely talk to had set out a tray of Halloween candy on a file cabinet outside her cubicle. I’m sure others have walked by and taken a dum-dum or a Hershey’s kiss. I grabbed three mini Hershey bars, not believing my luck of free dark chocolate. They’re in my bare fridge now resting alone on the top shelf, and the pic below is how I feel about them…
I got really hammered last night. Went to the Turf Club with Rass and went to his house and played music ’til 4am. Stopped at Perkins on my way home and ate breakfast. Got home around 6am. Felt really shitty all day and slept until 3pm today. Was able to buy food today, though. Spent my last liquid cash. Another long, boring week of staying in and watching TV.
I wish I had something to do each day. A place to be – somewhere to go. Maybe the APC will call me this week. I hope things pick up momentum for me this week, but I say that every week. I am really getting scared about money now. Don’t know if I’ll make it. I can’t even afford to buy ink for my printer. I never thought it would get this bad. The APC is a promising lead, though. I hope it works out. I really can’t stay this broke for long. I need clothes and to pay off my debt – or start to pay it off.
It’d be cool if Nicole would call me. Would be nice to see her but I can’t afford to take her out.
I’m hungry. Hungry on a Wednesday. I can’t spend money because my rent check is already going to bounce if I don’t get a check this week. If I drink a bunch of water, it may make me feel full, though. I would love a hamburger and fries now.
Still no word from Tawnel but that’s fine. Been four days now. She wasn’t that attractive and I would’ve dumped her anyway.
God I am so broke it’s pathetic. I don’t know what to do. No money coming in. Useless to go to my job everyday. I hate it! I hate my life now – absolutely hate it! My only fun is working out. Disappointment.