alone

Fearing the Fall

Some co-workers passed on happy hour last Thursday, saying they were tired and they probably were. I needed some drinks more than anything at that moment, but I passed because three beers honestly meant I wouldn’t have money for lunch the next day. And driving home Friday, I hesitated . . . dreaded even, returning to the solitude and do-nothing-all day of my life for an entire weekend. I don’t even like the way I write sometimes, especially as of late. It’s un-directed and self-doubting, mirroring the thoughts in my head.

The winter wind-chills and skies the color of ash has me fearing depression again. Looking down into that pit with my feet hanging ten over the loose dirt edge. All the experience of having been down there before and all the knowledge of never wanting to return.

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Ever feel like you don’t matter? I’m invisible to Melissa. I’m forgettable to Meaghan. I’m alone every single holiday. The Melissa disaster last night sucked. She basically kicked me out of there. Fuck her. I don’t need the humiliation anymore.

But another sad holiday alone in this apartment. Holidays suck all alone. I think of all my friends with their wives, homes and decent lives. Getting drunk just gets me in trouble. Tawnel called me last night – what a fucking loser. She called my cell and home number, but didn’t leave a message. She put some pics on her FB page. Just disgusts me to think that I fucked that. I got Kira’s phone number last night. She has mine too. She’s a little big, but I would love to bang her for some reason. Maybe she’ll drunk dial me. I wouldn’t mind.

I’m making the choice not to suck at life anymore.

 

Live life more

Just got home from home…where I grew up. Got to see my core group of friends from high school, was weird but fun. It put things into perspective for me. Seeing all the people I went to high school with with their families and full-on adulthood. Made me feel pathetic for being so broke and insecure over a failed relationship.

I need to like myself more. I need to really believe that I deserve good things. That I deserve to be loved by someone. I was so surprised when girls think about me – I should expect that.

I drove around my hometown. Past my old house and neighborhood. Went to the Northern tennis courts where I spent all my summers. I deserve love and happiness. I will have all those things. I deserve someone better. I will succeed. I need to live life more.

Invisible

I’m lost. That’s how I feel. I’m at that point where I have to do something, but I don’t know what that is. No career or relationship. It blows my mind that my peers have wives and houses and I’m so far from that. I don’t know.

So, do I go to Los Angeles and be all alone there too? Something’s gotta happen. Where is my plan? I know what I want to do and I can’t do it here. Success is waiting for me…somewhere. But sometimes, like tonight, it hits me how alone I live. I am invisible. Who else lives like this? Am I gonna be alone forever? Where is my someone? Drinking, fucking and sleeping my way through life at this point.

On the upside, I got my first check for being a writer – $10.00 for my first record review. Not much, but it’s how Cheney got started…she’s looking uber-hot these days. Fuck. She texted me last night about an after-bar, but I passed. Fuck. I stole this pic from her blog, so she won’t care…

cheney 3

(Cheney P.)

But tonight, it really hurts realizing how alone I am. No one to talk to or joke around with. Alone. Alone. I’m allowed some self-pity. Pity. Pity.

Porn Again Christian

From complacency, stems creativity…take with lots of alcohol.  Decided not to drink today, and get back to the gym tonight.  Leaving the house is a major chore when you’re out of work.  Forced myself to shower in order to go to H&R Block and have my taxes done, where I found out that the IRS will keep my refund because of the back taxes I owe.  This, even though I’m on a payment plan and haven’t missed a payment in two years.  Bad career choices fucking my life over….

Not having a job really makes you confront what your life is boiled down to.  For me, it’s an old apartment that holds nothing of real value and a rusty car that I have not felt comfortable letting my dates see in years.  With my high school reunion approaching, I sit alone in my apartment wondering how others have become successful.  I want their lives, and nobody would want mine.  It seems like an impossible hurdle to jump, but makes me see that my next job has to have some chance of getting me out of here…get me to the next level of life, where I should’ve been years ago.

Get my last paycheck from my last week of work tomorrow, and it’ll only be about $300.00.  Out of that, I have to give some to Comcast to keep the Internet.  I’m already without a TV, and no Internet would be the kiss of overall boredom.  How would I job/porn search?

Not Really My Girlfriend Anyway

Called Kim today on her cell around 1:30pm, expecting her to be at work like she said she would be. Her groggy voice didn’t recognize mine at first when she picked up. She was still in bed, and it was the abrupt, one word responses that told me she wasn’t alone. She’d stayed at the bar near her house ’til close and blew off going to work. I asked her if she still wanted to get together tonight and her, “yeah,” was more of an appeasement so she could get off the phone rather than explain to me in front of her bed mate why she couldn’t go out tonight. I asked her what time it was, and her voice trailed a bit from the phone as she asked, “What time is it now?” A deep voice replied, “One-thirty.”

I told her that I could tell she wasn’t alone so I’d let her go. She told me to call her later…sure. I’ll do that. I’m not really bummed. Her and I have done this before too many times to remember. I was just looking forward to something to do tonight. And I’m going to take the advice from the master PUA (pick up artists) that I’m reading about in The Game. When you dangle a piece of string in front of a cat, it’ll do anything to catch it. But when you lay that piece of string on the ground for the cat to have, it doesn’t want it anymore because the chase for it is gone…the elusiveness is taken away and it’s no longer a prize for the cat to catch. I’m going to be that dangling string.

But now, I feel hungry, alone, malnourished, dejected, rejected, infected with complacency.

Sweet you rock and sweet you roll.

 

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It’s Coming

Valentine’s Day is approaching. I can’t believe what I did last V-Day. The Molly disaster. It always backfires when you make your interest known. So this V-Day I’ll be doing the exact same thing as last year…sitting alone and pining over someone I can’t have. You think after all this time God would let a relationship work out for me.

I feel so juvenile when I think about all my married friends, and I sit dateless weekend after weekend. I can’t even afford a haircut now. And I sit here and analyze someone I have a crush on. I shouldn’t have to analyze crushes at my age. I should be in a relationship. I should be married. No, I don’t want marriage yet. I’ll be sitting here on V-Day and wonder what Melissa is doing.

She’s smiled at me. There’s a girl I can’t get out of my head. And I hate the boredom that occupies my life now. I hate non-productivity.

Alone This Long

Didn’t do anything stupid last night when I was hammered. Didn’t black out either. Two firsts for me. So I was only mildly depressed today with my hangover. Depressed about being alone all the time. Depressed about wanting someone I can’t have. Depressed about being poor. I need to start making some money…find a real job. A job with benefits.

There just doesn’t seem like there’s anyone to meet out there. Nobody that affects me – well there’s one person but I can’t get her. I want this week to fly by and be productive. When am I going to meet someone?

I don’t want to meet someone in a bar. I never thought I would be alone like this – this long.

Zzzzzzzzz

I don’t think I’ve ever felt this lonely before – not in a while anyway. Went down to the bar tonight by myself. Sat by myself and lying in bed now by myself. And I’m flat-ass broke too. Depressed on top of that!! Melissa blew me off again tonight – big fucking shock. I should have someone.

Punch drunk and alone. Story of my adult life. Alcohol, my sweet, and only companion.