Lonely and bored. Got really fucked up last night and went home with this really fat girl. Most unattractive girl I’ve been with. I couldn’t get hard, though. One of the few times I was glad that I drank too much. She told me, “You can jack-off on me if you want,” but I declined the offer. I collapsed in drunken exhaustion and we both passed out. I woke a few hours later, called an Uber and sneaked out during her snoring. I had the Uber driver go through the McDonald’s drive through window, which I only remembered because the empty filet-o-fish box was the first thing I saw on my bedroom floor when I opened my crusty eyes this afternoon. I lay in bed replaying the night in my foggy, dehydrated head, trying to visualize a much different version of me . . . someone who would have left the bar after two beers, declined the tequila shots, didn’t almost puke in back of an Uber and instead came home to a wife. I’m not there yet.
So fuckin’ sad, depressed and powerless. I had only about five bucks in my account, which had to last me until payday on August 1. Cheney floated me $200.00, though…it sucked to accept it but I had to eat. I was skipping lunch at work. I had a dollar on Friday, which paid for the vending machine Sun Chips.
I haven’t even been getting enjoyment from the gym lately. I can’t lose enjoyment in the only things that get me through these depression days…daze. I need to hold onto those things. I need fuckin’ something, anything to cling to. Me and Katie went to Barnes and Noble today. I spent about twelve bucks on the journals above. Cheney said an hour of writing every day always helps her. I guess it’s like what masturbation does for me, maybe.
After Barnes and Noble we came back here and Katie fucked me on the living room area rug. It’s hard to be present…in the moment during depression…even during sex. Your thoughts are always floating elsewhere in the corners of your brain, but they’re rarely focused on what is right in front of you. She was grinding on top of me and I could only think about how the rug underneath me was scratching and burning my shoulders.
Katie is in the bathroom now re-doing her makeup, and the rug burns on the back of my shoulders are fresh and bright red. We’re going to walk down to Lola on Xerxes to get drunk on house wine.
Angela came over this past Saturday and brightened my cold, ordinarily depressed winter day with some badly needed intimacy. She undressed and got in bed with me. There was kissing, body-to-body contact and she finished with an award winning handjob. She didn’t want to fuck me because she doesn’t want to cheat on her boyfriend.
But now it’s Sunday night and I’m alone and the pillows still smell like her hair. She’s in bed with him on this painfully cold evening and he’s getting more than a handy. I was bummed all day thinking I missed her, but I miss anyone now. It’s not her, it’s the winter loneliness. It’s why Kilby left Minneapolis for Austin and he seems to be doing alright.
Tomorrow night I’m going to go running around the lakes until all I can feel is the pain in my legs and lungs. That is better than feeling lonely any day.
I have a “massage” appointment later today. I saw this hot Russian lady on Backpage and I couldn’t not try her out. I can’t afford this, but then again, I need this now. I was really depressed today about my life and this will help. Plus, I haven’t cum in like three-days, so I should have a nice load. I really need a girl’s hands on my cock now.
I should run a razor over my cock first. Get it nice and smooth. I hope she’s as hot as her picture. I just need some affection now – even if it’s artificial. Something to lift my spirits for a bit.
A COUPLE OF HOURS LATER
The house was in northeast Minneapolis. I was a little suspicious and almost bailed. An older woman met me half-way near Psycho Suzi’s. She parked her car, got into my car and we drove to this tiny house with a tiny driveway. Inside, I saw a closed circuit surveillance camera on the exterior of the house. I think I got the “bait and switch” because the hot Russian girl wasn’t there. I doubt she even exists.
The old woman led me to a small, dark back room. An Asian girl was sitting on the bed when she opened the door. “Honey” was wearing a red piece of lingerie. I undressed and she started. I paid $120.00 for the half-hour. She said if I wanted her nude, it would be $140.00. So I did. She undressed to the most perfect body I’ve ever seen in-person. Perfect implants. Pierced nipples.
I got hard immediately. She was stroking me and I was rubbing her nipples. She was moaning and said it felt nice. The half-hour was nearing and I asked her to get in the 69 position. I almost wanted her to stay in front of me because her body looked so perfect. But she put her ass right in front of my face. I was cupping her tits. I exploded. Exploded hard. She was moaning with me as I was cumming. She gave me some Kleenex and got me a wet cloth.
Was it worth it? I don’t know. Her body was perfect. Those fake boobs…incredible. It was $140.00 that I pulled from my credit card. Money for bills, and now it’s gone. I feel a little guilty for using what little money I have for filth. A little shame. My friends have their wives/girlfriends, and I’m in a dimly lit room with an Asian (albeit hot) prostitute. Is that my life?
I needed that, though. I was really down today because of the expense of life. The cost of being poor. Sucks.
I was bored and alone – shocker! I e-mailed another “massage” on Backpage and she called me back immediately. She was $150.00/hour – a little expensive, but I wanted to get jerked-off again. I drove to the Clarion Hotel in Bloomington to meet her. She was a light-skinned black girl. Big boobs. They felt nice against my back. I’ve never had a girl with boobs that big before.
She (Erin) straddled my naked body and stroked my cock good. She kept her panties on, though. I was playing with her nipples and she was moaning and tilting her head back. I was focusing on not cumming. I loved her boobs. She was really squeezing my cock while I played with her nipples. At one point, she started bouncing up and down like we were fucking. Just as she was reaching around to massage my balls, I came a fucking amazing orgasm. All the sensual stroking must make orgasms better. The orgasm seemed to last longer than normal.
So I’m paying women to get naked with me and jerk me off and to tit fuck them. All my friends have wives and I do this. So what?
I had the day off from work so I arranged a massage with Abigail in Minneapolis. I showed up not knowing what I was in for. I knew I would at least get a handjob. I just hoped it would be better than the fat chick that showed up last time at my apartment.
Abigail was decent looking – not obese. She told me to get undressed and lie down. I was lying on my stomach and she eventually got completely naked. She had fat and stretch marks around her mid-section. Her boobs were small and she had a waxed pussy. I would’ve fucked her, though. She let me touch her tits and ass. She began stroking my cock and that was awesome. I love the hands of a female on my stiff cock. I was focusing on not cumming. It was feeling way too nice.
She lied down on the table and let me tit fuck her. Her tits were small so she had to provide extra friction with her hand. I loved the way she was moaning when I was fucking her tits. She was moaning like I was inside her. It was very sensual and erotic. My naked body on top of hers. My stiff cock between her tits. Her moaning.
I came and shot a stream right underneath her chin. She laughed. I don’t think she expected that type of explosion. All the stroking and foreplay made the orgasm that much better. I gave her a nice pearl necklace.
We stood up and she wiped me off first. I was talking to her as she had my cum all over her chest. I’ll go see her again.
The party before my penance begins on Ash Wednesday. This past Sunday, I got laid twice in one day by two separate girls. First time ever. I had to pay $200.00 for the first one, but whatever.
I called “Bree” off Backpage. An older woman. I was curious. She lived in Northeast in a dumpy apartment. She looked about mid-40’s. Red, unshaved muff. It was kind of gross. We didn’t do it very long. I came, but the orgasm wasn’t that great. She wiped off my cock and poured talcum powder on it.
Later that night, I met this girl, Nicole, at Corner Bar. Tall and young – 24. We were both pretty drunk. Went back to her place in St. Louis Park. I can’t remember much about the sex except that I was drunk and couldn’t cum. At least I stayed hard for a bit. She sucked my cock for a long time. Wish I could’ve cum in her mouth. In the morning, we started making out. I started to finger her. I was curious so I stuck my middle finger up her ass. I’ve never done that before to any girl. I was pretty far up there. Felt kinda cool. It was an o.k. time.
We slept in and went to brunch at Bar Abilene. We exchanged phone numbers. I don’t know if we’ll see each other again, but I would love to fuck her sober. She had pierced nipples. And Bree the escort told me I’m “huge.” Three girls have told me I have a huge cock. I always thought I was just average size.
But the downside to Sunday was being hungover all day yesterday. Didn’t do crap all day but lie on the couch. I should’ve worked out or played guitar or written. But there’s something cool about meeting a girl and then her bouncing up and down on my cock a mere four hours later.
Lent begins this coming Wednesday, and I’m giving up sex and alcohol for 40-days. Yep, no fucking or boozing for 40-days. I thought about giving up masturbating too, but c’mon, who we kidding, right? I’m likely going to toss one off as soon as I finish writing this, courtesy of Aristea Brady. Spank you, Aristea, spank you very much.
Aristea’s reaction to my 40-day sex embargo:
Pretty cool time with Meaghan last night. We met at Bull’s for lunch at 1:30 and stayed there for 12-hours. She was cool to talk to and we had a really nice time. The best part was that Melissa was working. She talked to me right when I walked in. I walked right over to Meaghan who looked really nice. She was dressed nicely. As we talked and the hours passed, she said she felt guilty about having a nice time.
So I sat there at the bar with Meaghan the whole time and Melissa sat by herself. I couldn’t help glancing at her, though. I don’t think Meaghan saw me. Melissa breaks my heart when I look at her. It’s the first time that Melissa and I didn’t talk and she didn’t say goodbye.
Anyway, Meaghan is really cute with a nice body. We sat there for 12-hours and everybody knew she was with me. We got in a brief argument and she cried. We left the bar and came back here. We got ready for bed and got naked. We didn’t have sex, but I went down on her and she gave me a brief blow job. She has nice tits.
In the morning, she said she was too horny to sleep. I looked at her 10-minutes later and she was masturbating right next to me. She was rubbing her clit and she had an orgasm. And she did it two more times right in front of me. Then she gave me a handjob.
She has a boyfriend, but she says it’s up in the air. I don’t now what to expect from this. I don’t expect anything, I guess. She has a history of cheating. She’s definitely cool, though. I don’t know what’s going to happen. Meaghan might be bad news – a bad girl. Really cute bad news.
The above pic (Ashley Wagner) is the pic I came to last night when I was fucking Tawnel. I had it opened on my iPad setting on my nightstand…focusing on it in missionary. Tawnel was okay with it. And I thought I had low self-esteem. She left immediately after and I was bored again. I went down to the bar and drank ’til 4:00 this morning with Matt and Melissa.
I told Melissa that I sent her the flowers and she didn’t seem that shocked. What shocked me is that she saved them. She said she hung them on her wall. I don’t think my confession really made a difference, though. Nothing really changed. She doesn’t seem to want me.
I don’t want anyone now. I know what I deserve, though. I need someone to want. I want somebody to want. I want somebody to want me. It seems so easy for other people to meet someone. Why is it so hard for me?
Another god’am snow storm here tonight. Cheney and Jamie are on their way over to ride it out with me. They’re bringing LSD or E or whatever it is they take for themselves. They’re stopping at Lowry Hill to buy a case of Lone Star for my drunk ass.