A warm night. A busy week and I need to make some money. I got way fucked-up on Friday and was useless all of Saturday. I want so much to connect with Melissa, but it’s like there is some barrier between us that we’re both too shy to cross. We come close when we’re drunk but that’s it.
I don’t know why I look so forward to getting drunk. I feel like shit the next day and I always regret at least one thing. Jennifer is obviously blowing me off. She was supposed to call me today but didn’t – the second time she’s done that. Whatever. I don’t care even though she supposedly has feelings for me. I just miss the sex, but nothing else.
Earlier today I sat in my bedroom closet and played guitar while listening to a podcast about depression. I sent Jessica a text last night because I know she can get me some LSD, but she hasn’t replied yet. I want to try micro-dosing with her. Our friendship is comfortable enough that we can make out naked and then pee in front of each other.
I have to get some sleep tonight. One year ago sucked. Heartbreak and longing. Just longing for someone new now.
I got really, really drunk last night. I went to Chino Latino with Cheney and some other people. I saw Rox and Hamper there and went to Liquor Lyle’s with them. I saw Elizabeth right when I walked in the door. The coolest thing was that I wasn’t even affected by it. I went over to say “hi” to her in my drunken state and that was it. I had zero interest in talking to her. She left without saying goodbye and that was fine. She was with her girlfriend from high school that I met on New Years Eve. I wouldn’t even cared if she was with some dude, but she wasn’t. So cool that she doesn’t matter to me – so fuckin’ cool. She probably thinks I’m totally uncool.
I went to Hamper’s afterward and I ended up making out with Tasha in the basement. I probably shouldn’t have done that since I have no interest in her. I was just so incredibly drunk and stupid.
I wish I would’ve looked cooler when I saw Elizabeth. I wish I would’ve been with someone. I wish I didn’t care about this stupid shit, but she didn’t affect me.
Today is a sad day…a sad, sad day for us all. The Twin Cities just got a little less hotter. A lot less hotter, actually. Today, March 8, 2014, is Aristea Brady’s last day on Minneapolis’ local news. She’s leaving for…ah hell, does it really matter where she’s going? All that matters is no more getting a rod during the local news for me.
I shall now enter the seven stages of grieving. You can check out the Aristea compilation below and then let me know how your grieving is coming along. Fuck, and I gave up alcohol for Lent. How am I supposed to get through this without my trusty booze?
The party before my penance begins on Ash Wednesday. This past Sunday, I got laid twice in one day by two separate girls. First time ever. I had to pay $200.00 for the first one, but whatever.
I called “Bree” off Backpage. An older woman. I was curious. She lived in Northeast in a dumpy apartment. She looked about mid-40’s. Red, unshaved muff. It was kind of gross. We didn’t do it very long. I came, but the orgasm wasn’t that great. She wiped off my cock and poured talcum powder on it.
Later that night, I met this girl, Nicole, at Corner Bar. Tall and young – 24. We were both pretty drunk. Went back to her place in St. Louis Park. I can’t remember much about the sex except that I was drunk and couldn’t cum. At least I stayed hard for a bit. She sucked my cock for a long time. Wish I could’ve cum in her mouth. In the morning, we started making out. I started to finger her. I was curious so I stuck my middle finger up her ass. I’ve never done that before to any girl. I was pretty far up there. Felt kinda cool. It was an o.k. time.
We slept in and went to brunch at Bar Abilene. We exchanged phone numbers. I don’t know if we’ll see each other again, but I would love to fuck her sober. She had pierced nipples. And Bree the escort told me I’m “huge.” Three girls have told me I have a huge cock. I always thought I was just average size.
But the downside to Sunday was being hungover all day yesterday. Didn’t do crap all day but lie on the couch. I should’ve worked out or played guitar or written. But there’s something cool about meeting a girl and then her bouncing up and down on my cock a mere four hours later.
Pretty cool time with Meaghan last night. We met at Bull’s for lunch at 1:30 and stayed there for 12-hours. She was cool to talk to and we had a really nice time. The best part was that Melissa was working. She talked to me right when I walked in. I walked right over to Meaghan who looked really nice. She was dressed nicely. As we talked and the hours passed, she said she felt guilty about having a nice time.
So I sat there at the bar with Meaghan the whole time and Melissa sat by herself. I couldn’t help glancing at her, though. I don’t think Meaghan saw me. Melissa breaks my heart when I look at her. It’s the first time that Melissa and I didn’t talk and she didn’t say goodbye.
Anyway, Meaghan is really cute with a nice body. We sat there for 12-hours and everybody knew she was with me. We got in a brief argument and she cried. We left the bar and came back here. We got ready for bed and got naked. We didn’t have sex, but I went down on her and she gave me a brief blow job. She has nice tits.
In the morning, she said she was too horny to sleep. I looked at her 10-minutes later and she was masturbating right next to me. She was rubbing her clit and she had an orgasm. And she did it two more times right in front of me. Then she gave me a handjob.
She has a boyfriend, but she says it’s up in the air. I don’t now what to expect from this. I don’t expect anything, I guess. She has a history of cheating. She’s definitely cool, though. I don’t know what’s going to happen. Meaghan might be bad news – a bad girl. Really cute bad news.
I woke up with a head cold. Alcohol weakens my immune system. Had a good workout today, though. Tawnel called today – WTF? Take the hint. I almost considered going over there tonight just to fuck her, but screw it.
A boring day and my checking account is -$46.00. I wanted to stay in anyway. I have enough food for a couple of days at least. If it’s nice tomorrow, I’ll go for a run around Lake of the Isles. I can’t believe how hammered I got this past weekend. Total blackout like the old days. Won’t be doing that for awhile. I forget how depressed hangovers make me feel.
I would love to be in my very own home – a house. I can’t face the prospect of another winter being this poor. I can’t live like this anymore. I feel defeated. Something will change. This routine of boredom, loneliness and being poor has got to end. I want my life to feel important!! I don’t respect myself.
I sometimes really think that I’ll be alone forever. No one will ever want to marry me. I have to get my life together. I don’t own things like my friends do. I am scared to death that I never will. I hate waking up every day and it has to get better. Would love to be sitting in my own house now. That seems so far away, though. God I feel sad now. Scared. What if I never find someone? I don’t even have that crush on Melissa anymore. Makes it lonelier when you don’t even know who you want. It takes all the fight I have in me to stay somewhat positive every day. Daily affirmations.
Loneliness, poverty – if Krissy saw me now I would be so fuckin’ ashamed. She probably wouldn’t even take my call. I don’t want her to be my only true relationship. So many sad things on my mind lately. That little boy I saw at Rainbow a long time ago who looked like my nephew. I hope he’s loved and cared for.
I’ll sleep now and hopefully not feel this depressed when I wake up.
The above pic (Ashley Wagner) is the pic I came to last night when I was fucking Tawnel. I had it opened on my iPad setting on my nightstand…focusing on it in missionary. Tawnel was okay with it. And I thought I had low self-esteem. She left immediately after and I was bored again. I went down to the bar and drank ’til 4:00 this morning with Matt and Melissa.
I told Melissa that I sent her the flowers and she didn’t seem that shocked. What shocked me is that she saved them. She said she hung them on her wall. I don’t think my confession really made a difference, though. Nothing really changed. She doesn’t seem to want me.
I don’t want anyone now. I know what I deserve, though. I need someone to want. I want somebody to want. I want somebody to want me. It seems so easy for other people to meet someone. Why is it so hard for me?
Another god’am snow storm here tonight. Cheney and Jamie are on their way over to ride it out with me. They’re bringing LSD or E or whatever it is they take for themselves. They’re stopping at Lowry Hill to buy a case of Lone Star for my drunk ass.
I used to love to watch that show Thirty-Something when I was a kid. I loved it even though I couldn’t relate to it. I used to think those people were so old. No way could I ever imagine being in my 30’s. Now when I see it I can totally relate. Those people are my friends with their marriages and houses. But I don’t feel 30-something.
There was one single guy, Gary, on that show. He’s not me. They never showed the episode where Gary stayed up all night playing guitar. Or the episode where Gary stayed up all night drinking at an after-bar and hitting on a married woman. Or the episode where Gary died his hair and dressed like a punk rocker. I should be acting my age, but my age is fuckin’ boring.
Why won’t Molly take an interest in me? She probably thinks I’m a boring wanker. But I’ll never wish I was Gary. I wish I was Dave Navarro. They should’ve put me on that lame-ass show. I would’ve been the most popular character but I still would’ve had zero self-esteem.
Fuckin’ Tawnel wouldn’t stop texting me, so she’s coming over tonight. I’m going to fuck her while I watch Ashley Wagner skate her short program. How can I not? Ummpphh!
Went to the gym today. Felt nice after four straight nights of drinking. Jim’s party was pretty fun. Met this really hot mom. We all partied until about 5am. This hot mom was boozing, playing guitar, getting high and she showed me her panties. That was the culmination of four nights of heavy drinking. I still think my body is de-toxifying. Drank Heinekens the whole time. Felt like I was on tour.
What a night last night…Dave and I went to Zelo – met Jim and Ed there. Kirsten and her friends were there. Jen was there too. I met Kirsten’s friend, Kelley. I was really hammered. We ended up on the dance floor totally dirty dancing. We walked hand-in-hand back to her car – I barely remember that. Went to Dave’s house and went straight to the bedroom. Immediately we start making out.
I started to get really dizzy from all the beers, so I excused myself and went outside to the backyard to puke. Went back upstairs and got back on top of her. I kept trying to unzip her pants but she stopped me. I started kissing her stomach and made my way to her boobs. I had her boob over her bra and was sucking on her nipple. So we fooled around for a little bit more and she went home.
She gave me her phone number.Funny thing, Kelley lives with the guy that Kirsten has been dating – he was there last night too. I was kind of jealous? protective? when I was watching him and Kirsten last night. I spoke with Kirsten today, we’re going to a movie this week.
Just stayed in today and slept.