I’ve decided to get Alkaline Trio’s heart tattooed on me. Maybe something else too.
Meaghan e-mailed me back. I told her I was down at SXSW and she called me a “fucker” and asked why I didn’t call her. She said she thought I might have been down there and she was walking around there at the same time. So she hasn’t completely forgotten about me. I can still get some emotion out of her – anger.
Why don’t I have someone special? I don’t even miss Meaghan. I just wanted some acknowledgement from her. I don’t know why. Been beating-off a lot lately. Three times a day sometimes. I wish the really warm weather would hurry up and get here.
And the city is still in a deep mourning from Aristea Brady’s departure. Not since the 35W bridge collapse has this city seen such sadness.
I woke up with a head cold. Alcohol weakens my immune system. Had a good workout today, though. Tawnel called today – WTF? Take the hint. I almost considered going over there tonight just to fuck her, but screw it.
A boring day and my checking account is -$46.00. I wanted to stay in anyway. I have enough food for a couple of days at least. If it’s nice tomorrow, I’ll go for a run around Lake of the Isles. I can’t believe how hammered I got this past weekend. Total blackout like the old days. Won’t be doing that for awhile. I forget how depressed hangovers make me feel.
I would love to be in my very own home – a house. I can’t face the prospect of another winter being this poor. I can’t live like this anymore. I feel defeated. Something will change. This routine of boredom, loneliness and being poor has got to end. I want my life to feel important!! I don’t respect myself.
I sometimes really think that I’ll be alone forever. No one will ever want to marry me. I have to get my life together. I don’t own things like my friends do. I am scared to death that I never will. I hate waking up every day and it has to get better. Would love to be sitting in my own house now. That seems so far away, though. God I feel sad now. Scared. What if I never find someone? I don’t even have that crush on Melissa anymore. Makes it lonelier when you don’t even know who you want. It takes all the fight I have in me to stay somewhat positive every day. Daily affirmations.
Loneliness, poverty – if Krissy saw me now I would be so fuckin’ ashamed. She probably wouldn’t even take my call. I don’t want her to be my only true relationship. So many sad things on my mind lately. That little boy I saw at Rainbow a long time ago who looked like my nephew. I hope he’s loved and cared for.
I’ll sleep now and hopefully not feel this depressed when I wake up.
I used to love to watch that show Thirty-Something when I was a kid. I loved it even though I couldn’t relate to it. I used to think those people were so old. No way could I ever imagine being in my 30’s. Now when I see it I can totally relate. Those people are my friends with their marriages and houses. But I don’t feel 30-something.
There was one single guy, Gary, on that show. He’s not me. They never showed the episode where Gary stayed up all night playing guitar. Or the episode where Gary stayed up all night drinking at an after-bar and hitting on a married woman. Or the episode where Gary died his hair and dressed like a punk rocker. I should be acting my age, but my age is fuckin’ boring.
Why won’t Molly take an interest in me? She probably thinks I’m a boring wanker. But I’ll never wish I was Gary. I wish I was Dave Navarro. They should’ve put me on that lame-ass show. I would’ve been the most popular character but I still would’ve had zero self-esteem.
Fuckin’ Tawnel wouldn’t stop texting me, so she’s coming over tonight. I’m going to fuck her while I watch Ashley Wagner skate her short program. How can I not? Ummpphh!
I’m lost. That’s how I feel. I’m at that point where I have to do something, but I don’t know what that is. No career or relationship. It blows my mind that my peers have wives and houses and I’m so far from that. I don’t know.
So, do I go to Los Angeles and be all alone there too? Something’s gotta happen. Where is my plan? I know what I want to do and I can’t do it here. Success is waiting for me…somewhere. But sometimes, like tonight, it hits me how alone I live. I am invisible. Who else lives like this? Am I gonna be alone forever? Where is my someone? Drinking, fucking and sleeping my way through life at this point.
On the upside, I got my first check for being a writer – $10.00 for my first record review. Not much, but it’s how Cheney got started…she’s looking uber-hot these days. Fuck. She texted me last night about an after-bar, but I passed. Fuck. I stole this pic from her blog, so she won’t care…
But tonight, it really hurts realizing how alone I am. No one to talk to or joke around with. Alone. Alone. I’m allowed some self-pity. Pity. Pity.
Just wrote a check to NSP for 108.00 that i can’t possibly cover. They were going to disconnect me so i had zero choice. My 163.00 payment to the IRS is due in two days and that’ll be another check i won’t cover.
No hope in sight but for some fucked up reason i still believe in myself – that i’ll get out of this. That I’ll be successful and have a house and be happy someday. My destiny isn’t to live a shitty, depressing existence…i know it isn’t.
The idea that I would ever send Tawnel flowers is fucking laughable – she hinted at it once. The last person I sent flowers to was Melissa because she’s gorgeous with the bod to match. Tawnel isn’t even close to that and never will be. She’s actually scary looking w/ her freaky big double chin; it’s so pronounced and round. Her mouth is small which makes it look even bigger. I can’t believe i fucked her all those times when she looked like absolute shit and was un-showered. Gross!
Monday – Be a loser
Tuesday – Be alone
Wednesday – Drink
Thursday – Hangover
Friday – Repeat with vigor
From complacency, stems creativity…take with lots of alcohol. Decided not to drink today, and get back to the gym tonight. Leaving the house is a major chore when you’re out of work. Forced myself to shower in order to go to H&R Block and have my taxes done, where I found out that the IRS will keep my refund because of the back taxes I owe. This, even though I’m on a payment plan and haven’t missed a payment in two years. Bad career choices fucking my life over….
Not having a job really makes you confront what your life is boiled down to. For me, it’s an old apartment that holds nothing of real value and a rusty car that I have not felt comfortable letting my dates see in years. With my high school reunion approaching, I sit alone in my apartment wondering how others have become successful. I want their lives, and nobody would want mine. It seems like an impossible hurdle to jump, but makes me see that my next job has to have some chance of getting me out of here…get me to the next level of life, where I should’ve been years ago.
Get my last paycheck from my last week of work tomorrow, and it’ll only be about $300.00. Out of that, I have to give some to Comcast to keep the Internet. I’m already without a TV, and no Internet would be the kiss of overall boredom. How would I job/porn search?
My $300 Banana Republic messenger bag is gathering dust on the kitchen chair…idle from the days when it went to work with me. Relax my little leather friend with the canvas strap. We’ll be walking out the door again soon enough…I’m still not done paying for you.
I trolled Craigslist today to try and get some freelance work. Still waiting for a lead to get back to me, so I can see if I can delay financial panic or not.
How fucked up is my life? I have two Tag Heuer watches, but I don’t own a home or a decent car. Shouldn’t those things come first, before the outward symbols of success, like designer watches? What good have those watches done me while I sit alone in my apartment with no reasonable means of getting ahead and supporting the someone that I’m waiting to meet?
So my days cycle from seeing others leave for work, and seeing them come home. All deservedly tired from whatever money earning labor they did all day. I sit here and drink Mountain Dew all day, which will require a trip to the dentist that, in now way, I can afford. The only thing that makes me tired is my late night trips to the gym, or drinking all evening.
Today kind of sucked. I was driving around Uptown today and it really reminded me of the days of living there and going through the Meaghan break-up. Being home all day and way too pre-occupied with Meaghan and what she was doing. Back then, I had zero vision for myself or who I wanted to be. But driving around shitty, dirty Uptown took me back to those days.
I really didn’t do anything today. But I know something good will come from this. I’m not going to settle for sitting around all day and watching TV. There is a better plan for me. And tomorrow I get to see Hot Annie again!
Beth came over last Wednesday and hung out. She’s pretty cool. Wonder if Molly saw? Beth called earlier and we spoke for a bit. We’re going to the Timberwolves game on Tuesday. I don’t know if this will go or progress into anything. I don’t know I want it to. I don’t know if I want to be lying in bed with Beth and thinking about the girl on the other side of my living room wall. I don’t know if I could do that to Beth. She could be a good, cool friend – the companionship is nice too.
Tonight on the phone, Beth said she couldn’t figure me out. She asked me what my “deal” was. Jeanine called me an “enigma” too. I cast -off this aura of mystery and I don’t even mean to. The last thing I want to happen is to be constantly wishing I was with Molly when I’m with Beth. I couldn’t handle that.
And last night, Molly came home with a guy. I find it hard to believe that it was a b/f, though. He was really tall and awkward looking. They came back around 6pm, so I don’t know. But tonight she came home alone around 9pm. Speaking of hard to figure out. She stays home the past three Friday nights, I’ve never seen her come home with someone ’til last night, and she comes home alone tonight.
Molly used to come over and talked but stopped. I think about Molly too much. I can’t figure out why she completely stopped being nice and flirting with me. Is she too shy? I don’t know. I’m going to pursue her starting this week. More on that later.