I fucked a somewhat gross escort yesterday. It was clinical and routine . . . BJ, missionary, doggy, orgasm. I saw her about two years ago and she was decently attractive then, but there’s been weight gain since then and the smoking caused noticeable lines and wrinkles on her face. The makeup only made the wrinkles look deeper. Her neck smelled like cigarettes.
I was disappointed but not ashamed afterward. The lack of intimacy in my life was causing concern. A prolonged absence of touch and body-to-body pleasure was making me feel too alone. I don’t want sex to become something that I have to wonder what it’s like. I immediately changed my sheets after she left, though. And then I drank 8 beers and watched a Kings of Leon concert on YouTube.
I would like to think there is more to a Saturday than sleeping ’til 1PM, drinking four cups of joe, book journaling, eating a grill cheese sandwich and then masturbating. But since that’s all I’ve done today, I pretty much think that’s all there is. I doubt I’ll even speak to one person today, only if the cashier makes small talk with me when I go to buy a sixer later today. Even then it will be awkward and forced. I’ll drink the beer and watch a Strokes concert on YouTube, only wishing I was cool like them with disposable money to burn.
Lina sent me a text as soon her plane landed in San Francisco, just to let me know she landed safely. It gave me a brief mental boost, like a rush of sugar to a diabetic. I was turned-on and a little flattered because you always see people on a plane pick up their phones as soon as the plane lands, hurriedly texting the people in their lives that are at the top of their minds. I was at the top of Lina’s, but I wondered why her husband wasn’t.
I always admire people who are unafraid to stare at their complexions in an airport bathroom mirror. I face the mirror but my eyes dart downward to stare at the dirty fixtures instead of the beaches of blochiness scattered about my aging face.
But then the gay flight attendant flirted with me, which made me feel less self-conscious. At least someone thought I was attractive. I never feel attractive when I travel.
Today I listened to The Strokes’ first record all morning before going to Beth’s for a blowjob. I told her I hadn’t masturbated in over a week and wouldn’t be offended if she didn’t swallow.
I waited until the end of the year to see if any other beauty would make my annual salute to self-gratification, but only one woman was fortunate enough to make this year’s only slightly creepy list. So everyone clap yo’ hands say yeah for Chikage Windler.
With Minnesota roots, this now-Texas local CBS Chief Meteorologist has made the weather segment the sexiest thing in local news since. . .well, since ever. She’s a known runner around town and only a runner’s body could showcase the form-fitting outfits that walk into frame every evening. This beauty is Fox News worthy and here’s a couple of photos to make your pants tight.
(Click images for larger views. It’s worth it)
I saw a new escort today. Beth. She was mid-thirties with really smooth, taught, dewy skin on her face that was either from sun avoidance and a healthy skin care regimen or from a minor lift and tuck. I couldn’t tell. But she was thin, dark haired and attractive and happy to see me even though I was just there for a BNG (blow-and-go). Even with my years of escort experiences, it’s never lost on me . . . the weird eroticism of meeting someone and minutes later we’re both naked and kissing on a bed, or a couch, or one time on the carpeted floor of a walk-in closet.
Beth picked her head up and politely said she had to go spit. With a mouth full of my cum it sounded like, “Scuse-e, I’n goin to go spid this.” And then she hustled to the bathroom to spit and rinse. She returned with a warm, wet wash cloth and wiped down my cock while telling me she hopes I return. I don’t say anything, but I know I will.
I got home, lied on my bed and thought of the loving relationships I’ve been in with amazing girls. I’m used to the shame afterward. It doesn’t bother me as much anymore.
The Coin Star change machine was hella noisy at the grocery store today. But rent had to come out of last Friday’s paycheck, and after some other bills I was down to less than $7.00 in my account today. The plastic teddy bear above, which formally housed animal crackers, had been my coin receptacle for about the past two years. I poured all of it in the Coin Star and it was a little over $140.00. The grocery store customer service took its cut and gave me just over $120.00 in cash. It was immediate relief and a temporary reprieve to my financial stress and worry. It’s some groceries this week and a little gas for the car. Maybe a badly needed haircut too, but I doubt it.
Walking out of the grocery store, high on my petty windfall, I briefly thought of Amanda and the few other girls who wanted to spend their lives with me. Then I came home and masturbated to some Nicole Aniston porn.
I’m lying on my living room floor with my head between my two stereo speakers. U2’s With or Without You is playing directly into my head . . . the simple but prominent bass line, that weird whistling noise . . . right into my head. It’s a really sad song, but it’s sad to me because it doesn’t make me think of anyone. There’s no one I miss right now and I wish there was. The majority of my adult life has been rejection and unrequited lust, but at the moment I have no one to want. And I woke up this morning and looked like shit. All oily and some white heads on my chin.
A depressed night. A sad and depressed night. God, if you were ever planning on making yourself known to me, please do it now. Take this heaviness and hopelessness away from me. I have been carrying this for way too long and I can’t do it anymore. You are supposed to hear my prayers. Please don’t make me think that all those years of attending Mass were pointless.
It was hard to hold back tears tonight. What’s the point of my life? I have been struggling with my belief in you lately – you haven’t been making it easy to believe in you. Please. Can you help me now? I am almost ready to give up on you. I have no desire to attend Mass anymore. No strength left to pray. I am afraid to use the gas money to drive to Mass.
I am just plain depressed, God. I have nothing left anymore. Please stop testing me like this. Please. Stop. I deserve better. I am always worried about money and everything is so far out of reach for me. One happy day. Just 24-hours of happiness would be a good start for me. I am empty inside, and it hurts me to think that a loving God would put me through all of this.
So I am begging you, God. Please help me. Take this depression from me. I still believe that you are stronger than my depression. I am not stronger than it. Please make tomorrow better. I don’t want to be sad and hopeless tomorrow. Give me a 24-hour break from it. I have no strength to ask or believe in big things now. Just 24-hours of not feeling miserable about my existence. You better act fast before you lose another one.
A warm night. A busy week and I need to make some money. I got way fucked-up on Friday and was useless all of Saturday. I want so much to connect with Melissa, but it’s like there is some barrier between us that we’re both too shy to cross. We come close when we’re drunk but that’s it.
I don’t know why I look so forward to getting drunk. I feel like shit the next day and I always regret at least one thing. Jennifer is obviously blowing me off. She was supposed to call me today but didn’t – the second time she’s done that. Whatever. I don’t care even though she supposedly has feelings for me. I just miss the sex, but nothing else.
Earlier today I sat in my bedroom closet and played guitar while listening to a podcast about depression. I sent Jessica a text last night because I know she can get me some LSD, but she hasn’t replied yet. I want to try micro-dosing with her. Our friendship is comfortable enough that we can make out naked and then pee in front of each other.
I have to get some sleep tonight. One year ago sucked. Heartbreak and longing. Just longing for someone new now.
I saw Lina briefly today. She leaned in close to me to show me something on her phone and she smelled young, blonde, sunny and I wanted to touch the faded blue t-shirt she was wearing because it looked so soft and I wanted to sort of be it. She had just finished working out and I wanted to touch her flat stomach, sticky with perspiration. She leaned in close to me without hesitation and she was unaware that the closeness made me nervous and excited. Her youth is what I see so many older women trying to hold onto about themselves but failing so miserably and publicly.
I’m out of food and grocery money, so I’m drinking a two liter bottle of Pepsi because it will make me feel full. I have an apple for later.