Who Do I Want? Don’t Know. Fuck.

I woke up with a head cold. Alcohol weakens my immune system. Had a good workout today, though. Tawnel called today – WTF? Take the hint. I almost considered going over there tonight just to fuck her, but screw it.

A boring day and my checking account is -$46.00. I wanted to stay in anyway. I have enough food for a couple of days at least. If it’s nice tomorrow, I’ll go for a run around Lake of the Isles. I can’t believe how hammered I got this past weekend. Total blackout like the old days. Won’t be doing that for awhile. I forget how depressed hangovers make me feel.

I would love to be in my very own home – a house. I can’t face the prospect of another winter being this poor. I can’t live like this anymore. I feel defeated. Something will change. This routine of boredom, loneliness and being poor has got to end. I want my life to feel important!! I don’t respect myself.

I sometimes really think that I’ll be alone forever. No one will ever want to marry me. I have to get my life together. I don’t own things like my friends do. I am scared to death that I never will. I hate waking up every day and it has to get better. Would love to be sitting in my own house now. That seems so far away, though. God I feel sad now. Scared. What if I never find someone? I don’t even have that crush on Melissa anymore. Makes it lonelier when you don’t even know who you want. It takes all the fight I have in me to stay somewhat positive every day. Daily affirmations.

Loneliness, poverty – if Krissy saw me now I would be so fuckin’ ashamed. She probably wouldn’t even take my call. I don’t want her to be my only true relationship. So many sad things on my mind lately. That little boy I saw at Rainbow a long time ago who looked like my nephew. I hope he’s loved and cared for.

I’ll sleep now and hopefully not feel this depressed when I wake up.

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