I’m Not Gary

I used to love to watch that show Thirty-Something when I was a kid. I loved it even though I couldn’t relate to it. I used to think those people were so old. No way could I ever imagine being in my 30’s. Now when I see it I can totally relate. Those people are my friends with their marriages and houses. But I don’t feel 30-something.

There was one single guy, Gary, on that show. He’s not me. They never showed the episode where Gary stayed up all night playing guitar. Or the episode where Gary stayed up all night drinking at an after-bar and hitting on a married woman. Or the episode where Gary died his hair and dressed like a punk rocker. I should be acting my age, but my age is fuckin’ boring.

Why won’t Molly take an interest in me? She probably thinks I’m a boring wanker. But I’ll never wish I was Gary. I wish I was Dave Navarro. They should’ve put me on that lame-ass show. I would’ve been the most popular character but I still would’ve had zero self-esteem.

Fuckin’ Tawnel wouldn’t stop texting me, so she’s coming over tonight. I’m going to fuck her while I watch Ashley Wagner skate her short program. How can I not? Ummpphh!

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