What a night last night…Dave and I went to Zelo – met Jim and Ed there. Kirsten and her friends were there. Jen was there too. I met Kirsten’s friend, Kelley. I was really hammered. We ended up on the dance floor totally dirty dancing. We walked hand-in-hand back to her car – I barely remember that. Went to Dave’s house and went straight to the bedroom. Immediately we start making out.
I started to get really dizzy from all the beers, so I excused myself and went outside to the backyard to puke. Went back upstairs and got back on top of her. I kept trying to unzip her pants but she stopped me. I started kissing her stomach and made my way to her boobs. I had her boob over her bra and was sucking on her nipple. So we fooled around for a little bit more and she went home.
She gave me her phone number.Funny thing, Kelley lives with the guy that Kirsten has been dating – he was there last night too. I was kind of jealous? protective? when I was watching him and Kirsten last night. I spoke with Kirsten today, we’re going to a movie this week.
Just stayed in today and slept.
Beth came over last Wednesday and hung out. She’s pretty cool. Wonder if Molly saw? Beth called earlier and we spoke for a bit. We’re going to the Timberwolves game on Tuesday. I don’t know if this will go or progress into anything. I don’t know I want it to. I don’t know if I want to be lying in bed with Beth and thinking about the girl on the other side of my living room wall. I don’t know if I could do that to Beth. She could be a good, cool friend – the companionship is nice too.
Tonight on the phone, Beth said she couldn’t figure me out. She asked me what my “deal” was. Jeanine called me an “enigma” too. I cast -off this aura of mystery and I don’t even mean to. The last thing I want to happen is to be constantly wishing I was with Molly when I’m with Beth. I couldn’t handle that.
And last night, Molly came home with a guy. I find it hard to believe that it was a b/f, though. He was really tall and awkward looking. They came back around 6pm, so I don’t know. But tonight she came home alone around 9pm. Speaking of hard to figure out. She stays home the past three Friday nights, I’ve never seen her come home with someone ’til last night, and she comes home alone tonight.
Molly used to come over and talked but stopped. I think about Molly too much. I can’t figure out why she completely stopped being nice and flirting with me. Is she too shy? I don’t know. I’m going to pursue her starting this week. More on that later.
I got really hammered last night. Went to the Turf Club with Rass and went to his house and played music ’til 4am. Stopped at Perkins on my way home and ate breakfast. Got home around 6am. Felt really shitty all day and slept until 3pm today. Was able to buy food today, though. Spent my last liquid cash. Another long, boring week of staying in and watching TV.
I wish I had something to do each day. A place to be – somewhere to go. Maybe the APC will call me this week. I hope things pick up momentum for me this week, but I say that every week. I am really getting scared about money now. Don’t know if I’ll make it. I can’t even afford to buy ink for my printer. I never thought it would get this bad. The APC is a promising lead, though. I hope it works out. I really can’t stay this broke for long. I need clothes and to pay off my debt – or start to pay it off.
It’d be cool if Nicole would call me. Would be nice to see her but I can’t afford to take her out.
I was wondering last night If I am stuck in this seemingly un-ending phase of dissatisfaction and unhappiness forever. If I will ever get out of it. If I can someday look back on these single, poor, struggling days like the days I was living in a box of unhappiness. Like a box I’ll be able to take out of the closet and look at its contents. Or if this isn’t a box, but my actual life that I am stuck with.
My momentary, brief brushes with something resembling happiness come from reading, music and writing in my book journal. I can’t even say that that’s happiness, though. I would rather be doing something with someone who loved me than anything else. Regardless, my land-line only rings when the collection agencies call me. I’m expecting the cable to be shut off any minute now – again. I may-may not beat-off in a few hours. Mundane weeks and days go by. Uneventfulness is the norm.
It’s the relative “same-ness” of my life that I hate sometimes. Everyday mirrors the one before it. Come home at night after the gym and the nights bore the fuck outta me. The nights are the same, my apartment looks the same, I make a protein shake.
I’ve been trying to make it seem different at least. Watch less TV, read more. The same-ness of the TV schedule was starting to get to me. Come home and look at all the collection agencies that called throughout the day. Masturbate to porn – Julia Ann lately.
The cold weather doesn’t help. Reading helps a little except when I’m hungover. It keeps my brain from feeling soft. I wish I had someone to come home and call. To talk with and make plans with. I should get drunk night after night for a week and see what my scribblings look like. Probably would be nothing but incoherent lust for Melissa. I hate this month…dragging on forever.
I’ve even lost the desire to go to the bar when Melissa is working. I’d just sit there and be ignored by her anyway. I wouldn’t even go out of my way to talk to her now – but I still like her. Nobody else affects me like she does.
Sofie gets into town tonight. Maybe I’ll fuck her – wouldn’t be bad.
Was really depressed, a mess, rejected and dejected today – all day. Stayed in all day and forced myself to work out late. Glad I did. Woke up my body and improved my outlook.
Made out with Kim last night…we’ve done that before. We made “definite” plans for today after she was done with work. I called her this afternoon and she was still in bed, and not alone. Whatev. No big. We were making out in her car last night and she told me she wants to pursue something with me. And her tarot card reader told her she is supposed to be with an older man. Shows Kim’s less than stellar education and sub-par intelligence.
But today was incredibly lonely – the worst it’s been in awhile. I wish I had money to visit family.
Allison is a memory. She won’t even talk to me. She was way too in love with me. She lost sight of reality. I would love to see Jessica this week. I need her now…someone to make me feel wanted and nice.
Even though today sucked, I got through it. I’m going to bed feeling better. I won’t be in this apartment much longer. Things will get better for me. A better salary and a better life. I’ll blow off Kim and she’ll love me. She’ll chase me.
Got pretty drunk last night. Not too bad, though…got to see Michelle. I met this blonde girl named Amy, she’s a lawyer. Seems o.k., I guess. I called her earlier and left a message. I don’t care if she doesn’t call back…doesn’t matter to me. Nice to get drunk, though, and not wonder if I fucked something up.
Cold January day. I hate these days and nights alone. I had somebody last winter at least. Want somebody now. Still feel hungover now. Cheney cabbed over here around 4am, coming down from an MDMA trip, I think. I’m looking at her now…dead asleep on my IKEA via Craigslist couch…covered up by two fleece blankets…naked with one bare leg exposed. Friends, though.
I want this winter to end. I want to meet someone. I want so much and I try so fuckin’ hard sometimes. It’s fuckin’ frustrating. Positive sucks! I wish I could start life over sometimes. Go back to being just a kid who loved KISS. Proud of nothing now. Fuck, fuck’s sake. Writing doesn’t really make you feel better – just hopeless.
When the fuck am I ever happy – let alone satisfied? Can’t afford shit. The last time I was happy was when I quit my job. It’s scary that drinking makes me momentarily happy. Knowing I’m going to get FUBAR makes me happy. Then the loneliness of a hangover brings me back to depressed reality. I don’t want to be perfect, just happy for a few days.
Maybe if I went on a 3-day bender I would be happy. Happiness and goodness eludes me. Despair and poverty always finds me, though. Maybe drugs could help.
I shouldn’t have bought Angela home last night. She’s too nice and I’m going to be majorly ashamed of it for awhile. I was so not turned-on by her. I couldn’t believe I was doing that. I tried to get aroused and cum but I couldn’t. I wanted it to end. So glad she didn’t stay over.
As she was going down on me, all I could think about is the last girl who was in that bed with me was Meaghan. This meaningless girl, who I’m not attracted to, was sucking my cock. And Meaghan is probably lying next to some guy that she really cares about. Melissa is with someone she cares about. I’m broke and have nobody to care about. Fucking nobody!
I hate this one-night-stand shame. I hate when I get that drunk. Scared straight. I hope Melissa doesn’t find out about that. Don’t want to go to work tomorrow. Want this week to be over with.
My lower abs are pretty sore from the sex last night – all the thrusting. I don’t think I could’ve thrust that long if I weren’t in such good shape. I shouldn’t take this sudden influx of relationship-free sex for granted. I’ve gone so long without it.
Sofie called earlier tonight. I think she just wants this to be sex too. Her calls and requests for conversation aren’t as frequent as I thought they would be. I thought she would want to be my g/f. I spent today all alone reading “Smashed” in my kitchen. Digital music stations provided the background noise. One year ago I was going through the heartbreak of Meaghan – she’s pretty insignificant to me now.
I keep thinking of the noises Sofie makes when we have sex. The yell she lets out when I enter her. How she tries to pull me deeper into her. It’s weird fucking her, being in the moment with her. The way I ask her how my cock feels. The way she moans my name. I cum inside her and then she leaves. It feels empty, but at least she doesn’t spend the night.
I should get really fucked up this week. Maybe take Friday off and get f’d up on Thursday night. I desperately need a new computer.
Meaghan still hasn’t replied to my recent e-mail. It doesn’t really bother me, though – not so much as it would’ve six months ago anyway. Just another affirmation of how someone I once cared for now views me as insignificant. I sometimes think that I’m way too sensitive and emotional for my own good. That I would be stronger and more adult if I didn’t analyze my feelings so much. Fuck it.
Sitting in my kitchen on a Friday afternoon, drinking a coke. I may start drinking pretty soon. I want to drink and watch, play some music later on.
I’ve completely lost touch with S.R. I never returned her phone call because she never returned mine. She wasn’t that attractive to me in the first place. Her mouth was way too small for her face. She most likely won’t make it in music. I need something to do besides masturbate.