The Coin Star change machine was hella noisy at the grocery store today. But rent had to come out of last Friday’s paycheck, and after some other bills I was down to less than $7.00 in my account today. The plastic teddy bear above, which formally housed animal crackers, had been my coin receptacle for about the past two years. I poured all of it in the Coin Star and it was a little over $140.00. The grocery store customer service took its cut and gave me just over $120.00 in cash. It was immediate relief and a temporary reprieve to my financial stress and worry. It’s some groceries this week and a little gas for the car. Maybe a badly needed haircut too, but I doubt it.
Walking out of the grocery store, high on my petty windfall, I briefly thought of Amanda and the few other girls who wanted to spend their lives with me. Then I came home and masturbated to some Nicole Aniston porn.
I’m lying on my living room floor with my head between my two stereo speakers. U2’s With or Without You is playing directly into my head . . . the simple but prominent bass line, that weird whistling noise . . . right into my head. It’s a really sad song, but it’s sad to me because it doesn’t make me think of anyone. There’s no one I miss right now and I wish there was. The majority of my adult life has been rejection and unrequited lust, but at the moment I have no one to want. And I woke up this morning and looked like shit. All oily and some white heads on my chin.
A depressed night. A sad and depressed night. God, if you were ever planning on making yourself known to me, please do it now. Take this heaviness and hopelessness away from me. I have been carrying this for way too long and I can’t do it anymore. You are supposed to hear my prayers. Please don’t make me think that all those years of attending Mass were pointless.
It was hard to hold back tears tonight. What’s the point of my life? I have been struggling with my belief in you lately – you haven’t been making it easy to believe in you. Please. Can you help me now? I am almost ready to give up on you. I have no desire to attend Mass anymore. No strength left to pray. I am afraid to use the gas money to drive to Mass.
I am just plain depressed, God. I have nothing left anymore. Please stop testing me like this. Please. Stop. I deserve better. I am always worried about money and everything is so far out of reach for me. One happy day. Just 24-hours of happiness would be a good start for me. I am empty inside, and it hurts me to think that a loving God would put me through all of this.
So I am begging you, God. Please help me. Take this depression from me. I still believe that you are stronger than my depression. I am not stronger than it. Please make tomorrow better. I don’t want to be sad and hopeless tomorrow. Give me a 24-hour break from it. I have no strength to ask or believe in big things now. Just 24-hours of not feeling miserable about my existence. You better act fast before you lose another one.
A warm night. A busy week and I need to make some money. I got way fucked-up on Friday and was useless all of Saturday. I want so much to connect with Melissa, but it’s like there is some barrier between us that we’re both too shy to cross. We come close when we’re drunk but that’s it.
I don’t know why I look so forward to getting drunk. I feel like shit the next day and I always regret at least one thing. Jennifer is obviously blowing me off. She was supposed to call me today but didn’t – the second time she’s done that. Whatever. I don’t care even though she supposedly has feelings for me. I just miss the sex, but nothing else.
Earlier today I sat in my bedroom closet and played guitar while listening to a podcast about depression. I sent Jessica a text last night because I know she can get me some LSD, but she hasn’t replied yet. I want to try micro-dosing with her. Our friendship is comfortable enough that we can make out naked and then pee in front of each other.
I have to get some sleep tonight. One year ago sucked. Heartbreak and longing. Just longing for someone new now.
I saw Lina briefly today. She leaned in close to me to show me something on her phone and she smelled young, blonde, sunny and I wanted to touch the faded blue t-shirt she was wearing because it looked so soft and I wanted to sort of be it. She had just finished working out and I wanted to touch her flat stomach, sticky with perspiration. She leaned in close to me without hesitation and she was unaware that the closeness made me nervous and excited. Her youth is what I see so many older women trying to hold onto about themselves but failing so miserably and publicly.
I’m out of food and grocery money, so I’m drinking a two liter bottle of Pepsi because it will make me feel full. I have an apple for later.
All damn day today, I sat in that chair in my bedroom and read and drank half a pot of cheap Target brand coffee while Whiskeytown radio played on Spotify. I took a break twice to masturbate and then I crept onto Krissy’s Facebook page. She’s currently on a ski trip in Colorado with husband and two kids. I could never afford to have given her the kids or the ski trip, so I read in my Goodwill chair while she wintered in Colorado. And I didn’t speak to anyone today. Last week was days of sadness filling my head, not specific sad thoughts, just a fog of sadness between my ears without any explanation. I don’t know what is worse: the sadness in my head or depression, which is the absence of any feeling at all, even sadness. In my worst episodes of depression I wished for some sense of feeling, even sadness, but it was just indifference to any and all things.
That chair was for so long un-used in my apartment. It was a catch-all for my unopened mail and girls would put their coats on it, which I liked because it left the chair smelling like perfume. I had sex on it once years ago, but I decided to take advantage of the natural light in my bedroom so I moved it. I think I’ll get drunk in it next weekend.
Some co-workers passed on happy hour last Thursday, saying they were tired and they probably were. I needed some drinks more than anything at that moment, but I passed because three beers honestly meant I wouldn’t have money for lunch the next day. And driving home Friday, I hesitated . . . dreaded even, returning to the solitude and do-nothing-all day of my life for an entire weekend. I don’t even like the way I write sometimes, especially as of late. It’s un-directed and self-doubting, mirroring the thoughts in my head.
The winter wind-chills and skies the color of ash has me fearing depression again. Looking down into that pit with my feet hanging ten over the loose dirt edge. All the experience of having been down there before and all the knowledge of never wanting to return.
I struggle to make small talk with polite strangers. What seems natural to them feels labored and awkward for me. It probably comes across that way to them too. I can go an entire weekend without using my voice, and when the cashier at Walgreen’s tries to be nice to me I struggle to string two sentences together.
What I am proud of though, is that I can stand in line anywhere without thumbing my phone to pass the time. Other idiots bend their neck and look like a candy cane while they stare at old emails and text messages for the 30th time, trying to look like their lives are important at that moment. They’re not.
Lonely and bored. Got really fucked up last night and went home with this really fat girl. Most unattractive girl I’ve been with. I couldn’t get hard, though. One of the few times I was glad that I drank too much. She told me, “You can jack-off on me if you want,” but I declined the offer. I collapsed in drunken exhaustion and we both passed out. I woke a few hours later, called an Uber and sneaked out during her snoring. I had the Uber driver go through the McDonald’s drive through window, which I only remembered because the empty filet-o-fish box was the first thing I saw on my bedroom floor when I opened my crusty eyes this afternoon. I lay in bed replaying the night in my foggy, dehydrated head, trying to visualize a much different version of me . . . someone who would have left the bar after two beers, declined the tequila shots, didn’t almost puke in back of an Uber and instead came home to a wife. I’m not there yet.
Ever feel like you don’t matter? I’m invisible to Melissa. I’m forgettable to Meaghan. I’m alone every single holiday. The Melissa disaster last night sucked. She basically kicked me out of there. Fuck her. I don’t need the humiliation anymore.
But another sad holiday alone in this apartment. Holidays suck all alone. I think of all my friends with their wives, homes and decent lives. Getting drunk just gets me in trouble. Tawnel called me last night – what a fucking loser. She called my cell and home number, but didn’t leave a message. She put some pics on her FB page. Just disgusts me to think that I fucked that. I got Kira’s phone number last night. She has mine too. She’s a little big, but I would love to bang her for some reason. Maybe she’ll drunk dial me. I wouldn’t mind.
I’m making the choice not to suck at life anymore.